Update

So the December 19th post entitled foreshadowing was actually written on 10/29/10. I had taken a break from writing it and am just now getting back to it and this blog.

Update: Pull up a chair. For almost two months now I have been dealing with the ending of my 11 year relationship. I have had good days and bad ones. Mostly bad ones. Where to begin to explain?

It all started with a text message. As I am leaving school on a monday night in October I get a text message from my partner saying he was going out, quickly followed by another text message saying probably having a beer. Me: too bad you do not have a home or animals to go home to. Him: Sorry Im trying to have a life. End of messaging.

 I drove home wondering what he meant by that statement. I called Maria and we discussed how he is a jerk and could have phrased his text differently. This is one of many times I would get annoyed or frustrated with the way he communicates and call in to vent. Maria is always my sounding board, and almost a third part of my relationship.

Resolving he is just an ass sometimes and he cannot communicate like a normal person I made it home to my furry kids. Two Shis Tzu's, named Luna and Sol, pronounced Sole. The sun and moon. It's a thing he and I came up with because when we were first dating he gave me a bear for our first Christmas. We were house sitting one night and found a book of Angel names on a bookshelf. We decided to name the bear Anafiel for the angel that pulls the moon across the sky. It made sense for us because we spent mostly nights together then. He being a theater major and I was a stage dancer.

It was not unusual for me to be the first one at home at nights. Looking back Im embarassed I overlooked so many late worknights. Being a part-time evening student I get home around 10:30pm, and I guess I should have found it odd that I was the first one home more than I should have been. Hindsight, right? So this particular night, I came home changed clothes as usual. I was playing a video game when he came in. He acted as if nothing had happened. Everything was fine. I ignored him, as I usually did when he would piss me off.

The next morning I confronted him about the text, and that was when he "decided" the relationship was over. I put decided in quotes because that is not only what he did, but told me he did. After a brief and shocking explaination that he has been miserable and unhappy for years and he was "done." Another of his words. Done. At this point Ill fast forward and throw out some of the sound bites stuck in my head from the next few weeks.

Him: Youre negative about everything. I dont like you. You embarass me. You dont keep the house clean enough. You dont work, what do you do all day? I dont like the way you run your business. Im tired of having to fix everything. You always have drama. It's not fair to me that I should have to deal with your ___(saving this for a future post). You never want to do anything. I want to be a parent, just not with you. You are not worth trying to fix the relationship. Ive been grieving the end of this relationship for years now. I did not want to come back to TX. Up until four or five years ago we were dependent upon your income or I would have left earlier. I just dont feel anything. What am I supposed to do, be critical of myself? If I am emotionally constipated then you have emotional diaherria. I think we should take this slow, nothing needs to change right away. We have not been in a relationship of ryears. We have just been roommates. I wouldnt flaunt it. I feel like I need to be by myself to process everything you have said to me. I dont see how us doing things together helps us to move on. It's not a date.

Im sure there are many more that will come up in future posts but these are the few that immediately came to mind, which I will explain because each one of these statements has definite significance.

So this basically get you up to date with some of what has been said. Now let me back track to a week and a half after that fateful morning. As you can imagine Im an emotional wreck and totally wigging out. Then the thought occurs to me...wait we can fix this. We can work this out. Things can change. To which he agreed to for a whole week. After coming to the realization he was not going to work on anything or change anything about himself I asked him if he had ever intended on trying to work on things. His response? "I dont know". Another word or phase he has been repeating throughout this entire process. Does that even make sense? How do you initiate the end of an eleven year relationship and not know something? I mean you dont just wake up one day and end a relationship of this length of time, yet this is exactly what he has done.

So why write about this on the internet and air my dirty laundry in public? Well as mentioned I am a part time student. I do have a part time freelance career but freelance work is unpredictable and not steady income, which means until I finish school and get a job I am having to live with him. Yeah....I am prisoner to the person that has turned my world upside down and inside out. Dont you have family? Well of course, and they are four and a half hours west of where I live in a small rural town. I would have to drop out of school and not be able to return because I am in trade school. I am getting my license to become a cosmetologist and the closest school to where my family lives is an hour and a half away. Not to mention my car is in his name, as is the house we live in, as is the bank account, and pretty much everything else. Why? Well he told me four years ago when I began freelancing makeup that my job was to get makeup work and try to make a career of it. He makes a six figure income and can aford to do this. Furthermore he did this just before Thanksgiving, and now here we are a week before Christmas. That is why Im blogging it. I feel like if I can get it out of me and onto paper, or a computer screen then it is no longer in me and I dont have to feel it. I can be done with it. Whatever it is at the moment.

So that is the update so far. There will be a part two where I explain all of the sound bites and more of the history of our relationship.

Until then...