Trust

So a lot of my relationship woes over the past 11 years have been a struggle with trust. According to a book of words: TRUST-to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something (usually fol. by in  or to ): to trust in another's honesty; trusting to luck. To have confidence; hope: Things work out if one only trusts. So what happens when that trust is taken for granted or treated badly? What happens when you no longer have confidence in another's intent or capacity to have your best interests in mind?

Let's take yesterday as an example. He, and I refer to him as "he" because in the process of trying to eliminate him from my thoughts and heart Ive decided using his name allows him to be human. Humans have feelings and emotions and he is and has been acting without them. So his family also lives a good three hours away from Arlington, where we reside. His grandmother has a special and seperate Christmas weekend, usually the weekend before actual Christmas, than his mother and father's weekend which is the actual christmas day weekend.  So he tells me he will be gone this past weekend. When I asked him when he was leaving the day kept changing. So I asked when he would return, and his response was it depends on how they are acting. Kind of an odd thing to say about family but ok. 

So I was up pretty late last night. Later than usual. It was at least 1am before I got into bed. This morning at 6am I got up to take the dogs out to potty and I noticed his bedroom door was cracked. So I looked out into the garage to see if his vehicle was there and it wasnt. I was a little nervous about his door being ajar because I had not been in the room all day and when he left earlier that morning it was definitely closed. So I peeked into his room and there he was. Seemingly asleep in bed. I then went to look out the kitchen window to see where he had parked and his vehicle was parked in the driveway, and normally he parks in the garage. 

Now Im sure there is a perfectly good explaination as to why he was home so very late in the night, and why he parked in the driveway but what is it? What is the reasoning? You see Since D-day he has making trips to see his family quite often. Since that day he has been on three different occasions now. This is unusual because in prior years he would only visit on either Christmas or Thanksgiving and then MAYBE another special occasion. So twice a year max. Now he has been three times within two months. Its the behaviour, that is questionable. He also usually leaves saturday night and will stay sat and sunday night then drive in and go directly to work. This time in particular he only took an overnight bag, which is his gym bag.  Thru this break up process I have found out he was using to store clothes in when he would go to the "gym". Turns out the gym was code for meeting up with guys for sex. Again behaviour. 

There have been other behavioural changes in him, such as having a sudden keen interest in Dallas, which is about 30mins from Arlington and where the gay bars, and gay neighborhood is. He has also started going out for drinks with people after work. Not such a big deal except the frequency he has been doing it. Ive also caught him telling me he is at work when he is actually not. One suspicious night I decided to drive to where he works and while he is texting me how he hates his job and is having to be there late I am in the parking lot texting him back sympathizing with him. The only problem is he was not there and the dealership was closed. The gates shut and locked. He is in finance for a car dealership so his hours are a bit wonky anyway and he has apparently been using that to his advantage. 

I know it sounds like Im obsessing and not trying to move on. Maybe youre right but I feel like I am being lied to. What he fails to realize and Ive have told him many times is that even if the truth hurts, Id rather know and feel hurt than feel like Im being lied to. Everyone I have spoken to about all of this has asked me two things. Is he having a midlife crisis, and has he met someone? Both of which could apply. Ive asked him over and over if he has met someone and he says no, followed by when would I have time to meet someone? He does work a lot Ill give him that but with all of the night out with the boys drinking, "working late" and spending time over in Dallas supposedly by himself, he has plenty of opportunities to meet someone. He has this twisted way of making me question myself and it makes me feel a lil crazy. As if I am the one with the problem. The fact of the matter is his behaviour has changed, his social activities have changed, the way he acts toward me has changed. Looking back I can see when all of this started, when he started acting differently, and he says he has been feeling this way for years. Literally though we went from one day him telling me he loves me and calling me babe to the very next morning he has decided he is done. That surely cannot be the way this works. You just shut it off? Youre done?

He tells me he tried to fix this relationship for years, and that after 11 years I should have known without him communicating to me what he was unhappy with, and should have tried to fix things. My question to him was how was I supposed to know? I cannot read his mind. I also told him that one person in a two person relationship cannot fix things. It has to be a joint effort. To which he responded I just dont think it is worth it to fix. 

So trust a major building block of a relationship, has been non existant with him. I can go back to the beginning of our relationship when we were living in Atlanta in our early 20's and see he betrayed my trust or confidence in him. He decided he was going to get a job with Delta airlines as a flight attendant. We had just moved away from our familys for the first time. We knew no one in Atlanta and six months after we moved he took the job which moved him to NY for a year. He left me alone by myself with no support system.

 So while this trust issue is not new it is opening my eyes to the fact that he is untrustworthy and all of the guilt he has made me feel for not trusting him needs to leave me. I have been allowed to feel like a lesser person for my supposed trust issues with him and yet the problem was him. This is one conclusion that I am coming to recently. A lot of my emotional distress has come by his hand. I figure it will be this way until I actually pack my things and leave and I can leave all these feelings with him. I thought I would share this while it was fresh on my mind. Trust me when I say there will be more of this to reveal itself as I write more.

Until then...