So a lot of my relationship woes over the past 11 years have been a struggle with trust. According to a book of words: TRUST-to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something (usually fol. by in or to ): to trust in another's honesty; trusting to luck. To have confidence; hope: Things work out if one only trusts. So what happens when that trust is taken for granted or treated badly? What happens when you no longer have confidence in another's intent or capacity to have your best interests in mind?
Let's take yesterday as an example. He, and I refer to him as "he" because in the process of trying to eliminate him from my thoughts and heart Ive decided using his name allows him to be human. Humans have feelings and emotions and he is and has been acting without them. So his family also lives a good three hours away from Arlington, where we reside. His grandmother has a special and seperate Christmas weekend, usually the weekend before actual Christmas, than his mother and father's weekend which is the actual christmas day weekend. So he tells me he will be gone this past weekend. When I asked him when he was leaving the day kept changing. So I asked when he would return, and his response was it depends on how they are acting. Kind of an odd thing to say about family but ok.
So I was up pretty late last night. Later than usual. It was at least 1am before I got into bed. This morning at 6am I got up to take the dogs out to potty and I noticed his bedroom door was cracked. So I looked out into the garage to see if his vehicle was there and it wasnt. I was a little nervous about his door being ajar because I had not been in the room all day and when he left earlier that morning it was definitely closed. So I peeked into his room and there he was. Seemingly asleep in bed. I then went to look out the kitchen window to see where he had parked and his vehicle was parked in the driveway, and normally he parks in the garage.
Now Im sure there is a perfectly good explaination as to why he was home so very late in the night, and why he parked in the driveway but what is it? What is the reasoning? You see Since D-day he has making trips to see his family quite often. Since that day he has been on three different occasions now. This is unusual because in prior years he would only visit on either Christmas or Thanksgiving and then MAYBE another special occasion. So twice a year max. Now he has been three times within two months. Its the behaviour, that is questionable. He also usually leaves saturday night and will stay sat and sunday night then drive in and go directly to work. This time in particular he only took an overnight bag, which is his gym bag. Thru this break up process I have found out he was using to store clothes in when he would go to the "gym". Turns out the gym was code for meeting up with guys for sex. Again behaviour.
There have been other behavioural changes in him, such as having a sudden keen interest in Dallas, which is about 30mins from Arlington and where the gay bars, and gay neighborhood is. He has also started going out for drinks with people after work. Not such a big deal except the frequency he has been doing it. Ive also caught him telling me he is at work when he is actually not. One suspicious night I decided to drive to where he works and while he is texting me how he hates his job and is having to be there late I am in the parking lot texting him back sympathizing with him. The only problem is he was not there and the dealership was closed. The gates shut and locked. He is in finance for a car dealership so his hours are a bit wonky anyway and he has apparently been using that to his advantage.
I know it sounds like Im obsessing and not trying to move on. Maybe youre right but I feel like I am being lied to. What he fails to realize and Ive have told him many times is that even if the truth hurts, Id rather know and feel hurt than feel like Im being lied to. Everyone I have spoken to about all of this has asked me two things. Is he having a midlife crisis, and has he met someone? Both of which could apply. Ive asked him over and over if he has met someone and he says no, followed by when would I have time to meet someone? He does work a lot Ill give him that but with all of the night out with the boys drinking, "working late" and spending time over in Dallas supposedly by himself, he has plenty of opportunities to meet someone. He has this twisted way of making me question myself and it makes me feel a lil crazy. As if I am the one with the problem. The fact of the matter is his behaviour has changed, his social activities have changed, the way he acts toward me has changed. Looking back I can see when all of this started, when he started acting differently, and he says he has been feeling this way for years. Literally though we went from one day him telling me he loves me and calling me babe to the very next morning he has decided he is done. That surely cannot be the way this works. You just shut it off? Youre done?
He tells me he tried to fix this relationship for years, and that after 11 years I should have known without him communicating to me what he was unhappy with, and should have tried to fix things. My question to him was how was I supposed to know? I cannot read his mind. I also told him that one person in a two person relationship cannot fix things. It has to be a joint effort. To which he responded I just dont think it is worth it to fix.
So trust a major building block of a relationship, has been non existant with him. I can go back to the beginning of our relationship when we were living in Atlanta in our early 20's and see he betrayed my trust or confidence in him. He decided he was going to get a job with Delta airlines as a flight attendant. We had just moved away from our familys for the first time. We knew no one in Atlanta and six months after we moved he took the job which moved him to NY for a year. He left me alone by myself with no support system.
So while this trust issue is not new it is opening my eyes to the fact that he is untrustworthy and all of the guilt he has made me feel for not trusting him needs to leave me. I have been allowed to feel like a lesser person for my supposed trust issues with him and yet the problem was him. This is one conclusion that I am coming to recently. A lot of my emotional distress has come by his hand. I figure it will be this way until I actually pack my things and leave and I can leave all these feelings with him. I thought I would share this while it was fresh on my mind. Trust me when I say there will be more of this to reveal itself as I write more.
Until then...
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Update
So the December 19th post entitled foreshadowing was actually written on 10/29/10. I had taken a break from writing it and am just now getting back to it and this blog.
Update: Pull up a chair. For almost two months now I have been dealing with the ending of my 11 year relationship. I have had good days and bad ones. Mostly bad ones. Where to begin to explain?
It all started with a text message. As I am leaving school on a monday night in October I get a text message from my partner saying he was going out, quickly followed by another text message saying probably having a beer. Me: too bad you do not have a home or animals to go home to. Him: Sorry Im trying to have a life. End of messaging.
I drove home wondering what he meant by that statement. I called Maria and we discussed how he is a jerk and could have phrased his text differently. This is one of many times I would get annoyed or frustrated with the way he communicates and call in to vent. Maria is always my sounding board, and almost a third part of my relationship.
Resolving he is just an ass sometimes and he cannot communicate like a normal person I made it home to my furry kids. Two Shis Tzu's, named Luna and Sol, pronounced Sole. The sun and moon. It's a thing he and I came up with because when we were first dating he gave me a bear for our first Christmas. We were house sitting one night and found a book of Angel names on a bookshelf. We decided to name the bear Anafiel for the angel that pulls the moon across the sky. It made sense for us because we spent mostly nights together then. He being a theater major and I was a stage dancer.
It was not unusual for me to be the first one at home at nights. Looking back Im embarassed I overlooked so many late worknights. Being a part-time evening student I get home around 10:30pm, and I guess I should have found it odd that I was the first one home more than I should have been. Hindsight, right? So this particular night, I came home changed clothes as usual. I was playing a video game when he came in. He acted as if nothing had happened. Everything was fine. I ignored him, as I usually did when he would piss me off.
The next morning I confronted him about the text, and that was when he "decided" the relationship was over. I put decided in quotes because that is not only what he did, but told me he did. After a brief and shocking explaination that he has been miserable and unhappy for years and he was "done." Another of his words. Done. At this point Ill fast forward and throw out some of the sound bites stuck in my head from the next few weeks.
Him: Youre negative about everything. I dont like you. You embarass me. You dont keep the house clean enough. You dont work, what do you do all day? I dont like the way you run your business. Im tired of having to fix everything. You always have drama. It's not fair to me that I should have to deal with your ___(saving this for a future post). You never want to do anything. I want to be a parent, just not with you. You are not worth trying to fix the relationship. Ive been grieving the end of this relationship for years now. I did not want to come back to TX. Up until four or five years ago we were dependent upon your income or I would have left earlier. I just dont feel anything. What am I supposed to do, be critical of myself? If I am emotionally constipated then you have emotional diaherria. I think we should take this slow, nothing needs to change right away. We have not been in a relationship of ryears. We have just been roommates. I wouldnt flaunt it. I feel like I need to be by myself to process everything you have said to me. I dont see how us doing things together helps us to move on. It's not a date.
Im sure there are many more that will come up in future posts but these are the few that immediately came to mind, which I will explain because each one of these statements has definite significance.
So this basically get you up to date with some of what has been said. Now let me back track to a week and a half after that fateful morning. As you can imagine Im an emotional wreck and totally wigging out. Then the thought occurs to me...wait we can fix this. We can work this out. Things can change. To which he agreed to for a whole week. After coming to the realization he was not going to work on anything or change anything about himself I asked him if he had ever intended on trying to work on things. His response? "I dont know". Another word or phase he has been repeating throughout this entire process. Does that even make sense? How do you initiate the end of an eleven year relationship and not know something? I mean you dont just wake up one day and end a relationship of this length of time, yet this is exactly what he has done.
So why write about this on the internet and air my dirty laundry in public? Well as mentioned I am a part time student. I do have a part time freelance career but freelance work is unpredictable and not steady income, which means until I finish school and get a job I am having to live with him. Yeah....I am prisoner to the person that has turned my world upside down and inside out. Dont you have family? Well of course, and they are four and a half hours west of where I live in a small rural town. I would have to drop out of school and not be able to return because I am in trade school. I am getting my license to become a cosmetologist and the closest school to where my family lives is an hour and a half away. Not to mention my car is in his name, as is the house we live in, as is the bank account, and pretty much everything else. Why? Well he told me four years ago when I began freelancing makeup that my job was to get makeup work and try to make a career of it. He makes a six figure income and can aford to do this. Furthermore he did this just before Thanksgiving, and now here we are a week before Christmas. That is why Im blogging it. I feel like if I can get it out of me and onto paper, or a computer screen then it is no longer in me and I dont have to feel it. I can be done with it. Whatever it is at the moment.
So that is the update so far. There will be a part two where I explain all of the sound bites and more of the history of our relationship.
Until then...
Update: Pull up a chair. For almost two months now I have been dealing with the ending of my 11 year relationship. I have had good days and bad ones. Mostly bad ones. Where to begin to explain?
It all started with a text message. As I am leaving school on a monday night in October I get a text message from my partner saying he was going out, quickly followed by another text message saying probably having a beer. Me: too bad you do not have a home or animals to go home to. Him: Sorry Im trying to have a life. End of messaging.
I drove home wondering what he meant by that statement. I called Maria and we discussed how he is a jerk and could have phrased his text differently. This is one of many times I would get annoyed or frustrated with the way he communicates and call in to vent. Maria is always my sounding board, and almost a third part of my relationship.
Resolving he is just an ass sometimes and he cannot communicate like a normal person I made it home to my furry kids. Two Shis Tzu's, named Luna and Sol, pronounced Sole. The sun and moon. It's a thing he and I came up with because when we were first dating he gave me a bear for our first Christmas. We were house sitting one night and found a book of Angel names on a bookshelf. We decided to name the bear Anafiel for the angel that pulls the moon across the sky. It made sense for us because we spent mostly nights together then. He being a theater major and I was a stage dancer.
It was not unusual for me to be the first one at home at nights. Looking back Im embarassed I overlooked so many late worknights. Being a part-time evening student I get home around 10:30pm, and I guess I should have found it odd that I was the first one home more than I should have been. Hindsight, right? So this particular night, I came home changed clothes as usual. I was playing a video game when he came in. He acted as if nothing had happened. Everything was fine. I ignored him, as I usually did when he would piss me off.
The next morning I confronted him about the text, and that was when he "decided" the relationship was over. I put decided in quotes because that is not only what he did, but told me he did. After a brief and shocking explaination that he has been miserable and unhappy for years and he was "done." Another of his words. Done. At this point Ill fast forward and throw out some of the sound bites stuck in my head from the next few weeks.
Him: Youre negative about everything. I dont like you. You embarass me. You dont keep the house clean enough. You dont work, what do you do all day? I dont like the way you run your business. Im tired of having to fix everything. You always have drama. It's not fair to me that I should have to deal with your ___(saving this for a future post). You never want to do anything. I want to be a parent, just not with you. You are not worth trying to fix the relationship. Ive been grieving the end of this relationship for years now. I did not want to come back to TX. Up until four or five years ago we were dependent upon your income or I would have left earlier. I just dont feel anything. What am I supposed to do, be critical of myself? If I am emotionally constipated then you have emotional diaherria. I think we should take this slow, nothing needs to change right away. We have not been in a relationship of ryears. We have just been roommates. I wouldnt flaunt it. I feel like I need to be by myself to process everything you have said to me. I dont see how us doing things together helps us to move on. It's not a date.
Im sure there are many more that will come up in future posts but these are the few that immediately came to mind, which I will explain because each one of these statements has definite significance.
So this basically get you up to date with some of what has been said. Now let me back track to a week and a half after that fateful morning. As you can imagine Im an emotional wreck and totally wigging out. Then the thought occurs to me...wait we can fix this. We can work this out. Things can change. To which he agreed to for a whole week. After coming to the realization he was not going to work on anything or change anything about himself I asked him if he had ever intended on trying to work on things. His response? "I dont know". Another word or phase he has been repeating throughout this entire process. Does that even make sense? How do you initiate the end of an eleven year relationship and not know something? I mean you dont just wake up one day and end a relationship of this length of time, yet this is exactly what he has done.
So why write about this on the internet and air my dirty laundry in public? Well as mentioned I am a part time student. I do have a part time freelance career but freelance work is unpredictable and not steady income, which means until I finish school and get a job I am having to live with him. Yeah....I am prisoner to the person that has turned my world upside down and inside out. Dont you have family? Well of course, and they are four and a half hours west of where I live in a small rural town. I would have to drop out of school and not be able to return because I am in trade school. I am getting my license to become a cosmetologist and the closest school to where my family lives is an hour and a half away. Not to mention my car is in his name, as is the house we live in, as is the bank account, and pretty much everything else. Why? Well he told me four years ago when I began freelancing makeup that my job was to get makeup work and try to make a career of it. He makes a six figure income and can aford to do this. Furthermore he did this just before Thanksgiving, and now here we are a week before Christmas. That is why Im blogging it. I feel like if I can get it out of me and onto paper, or a computer screen then it is no longer in me and I dont have to feel it. I can be done with it. Whatever it is at the moment.
So that is the update so far. There will be a part two where I explain all of the sound bites and more of the history of our relationship.
Until then...
Foreshadowing
So when I started this blog I was in an 11 year relationship. Not a perfect one, not a horrible one, but what I thought was an average stable one. Almost a week later that relationship is ending and not by my choice. One can imagine all that I have to say right now and yet I am somewhat speechless. I find myself not knowing what to say. Over thinking everything and feeling completely lost, vulnerable, and scared.
Due to a teminal medical condition I have been dealing with since 2002 my partner has taken care of me. Mostly financially, although I will give him props for choosing to stay at all. Emotionally, anything more would be exaggeration. Not a communicater, and one that buries any feelings he may have I have been left much to my own. So when I started this blog I thought what a great way to deal with some of that lonliness and I hope that will be the case because I have a feel there will be a lot more in store for me.
So where do you go after 11years? What happens when someone tells you that your life as you know it is about to change because they do not want to be a part of it anymore? Where do I live, how do I support myself, can I maintain the lifestyle I have become accustomed to, where do I start, how am I going to transport myself are a few of the things weighing heavy on my mind right now. Of course interjected between each of those thoughts are can I save us, what if I change all the things he said he does not like about me, what if I try harder, is it foolish to try, is it really me or is it him?
Due to a teminal medical condition I have been dealing with since 2002 my partner has taken care of me. Mostly financially, although I will give him props for choosing to stay at all. Emotionally, anything more would be exaggeration. Not a communicater, and one that buries any feelings he may have I have been left much to my own. So when I started this blog I thought what a great way to deal with some of that lonliness and I hope that will be the case because I have a feel there will be a lot more in store for me.
So where do you go after 11years? What happens when someone tells you that your life as you know it is about to change because they do not want to be a part of it anymore? Where do I live, how do I support myself, can I maintain the lifestyle I have become accustomed to, where do I start, how am I going to transport myself are a few of the things weighing heavy on my mind right now. Of course interjected between each of those thoughts are can I save us, what if I change all the things he said he does not like about me, what if I try harder, is it foolish to try, is it really me or is it him?
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Since I will never write a book
Another blog. Does the world really need another blog or blogger? Not a trick question; answer, a resounding NO. Yet here I am. I have realized about myself that I am a classic underachiever. With that understanding comes the knowing that I will never write a book. Yet another downgrade of many great ideas I have. What I do not have is the follow thru.
Who has the time? I mean the hours I spend on social networking sites, perusing the list of a guy name Craig, and general malaise, I mean c'mon. Im lucky to squeeze in a shower and a quick brush of the teeth. No one has time for agents, reading and apperances on Oprah. No no, I will sit here in the comfort of my office/spare bedroom/storage room thank you very much.
To be honest Im lonely. Not just temporarily but as far as I can tell indefinitely. I just cannot seem to relate to reality and other people anymore. At least this way I have someone to talk to and do not have to deal with the fact or admit that I am lonely. Well not talk to per se but speak my mind without the annoyance of someone interrupting me with how they can relate or interjecting their thoughts into mine and making them their own. No listening to another persons thoughts, which I also refer to as waiting for them to finish so I can speak. No pretending to care if I may be right or wrong, no worrying if my facts or grammar will be corrected or subject matter googled. Just blissful writing. Kind of like what I imagine the secret world of the teenage girls diary is like. My secret friend that always thinks Im the prettiest girl in school, and envies me because Im better than she is. You know a true friend.
I was not always this way mind you. Lonely I mean. Opinionated, yes. Stubborn, yes. Ignorant to most anything going on outside of my personal bubble, yes but lonely. No.
There are plenty of people in my life do not misunderstand. I am a part time freelance makeup artist, and attending cosmetology school part time so there are people all around me. What Im missing is that one person we all need in our lives that just gets us. That person that is loyal, nonjudgemental, and who genuinely likes you even when you wish they would not. They reeeeeally get you. Even sometimes when you do not get yourself. Yeah I do not have that. Im only half whining about it. I suppose there are worse things I could be lacking in life but boy do I miss having that. I guess writing this blog is an easy way to communicate to that one person even though they are not in my life, and hey...if that person ever shows up. Well I will have everything documented for them right here in My Lonely Life.
Who has the time? I mean the hours I spend on social networking sites, perusing the list of a guy name Craig, and general malaise, I mean c'mon. Im lucky to squeeze in a shower and a quick brush of the teeth. No one has time for agents, reading and apperances on Oprah. No no, I will sit here in the comfort of my office/spare bedroom/storage room thank you very much.
To be honest Im lonely. Not just temporarily but as far as I can tell indefinitely. I just cannot seem to relate to reality and other people anymore. At least this way I have someone to talk to and do not have to deal with the fact or admit that I am lonely. Well not talk to per se but speak my mind without the annoyance of someone interrupting me with how they can relate or interjecting their thoughts into mine and making them their own. No listening to another persons thoughts, which I also refer to as waiting for them to finish so I can speak. No pretending to care if I may be right or wrong, no worrying if my facts or grammar will be corrected or subject matter googled. Just blissful writing. Kind of like what I imagine the secret world of the teenage girls diary is like. My secret friend that always thinks Im the prettiest girl in school, and envies me because Im better than she is. You know a true friend.
I was not always this way mind you. Lonely I mean. Opinionated, yes. Stubborn, yes. Ignorant to most anything going on outside of my personal bubble, yes but lonely. No.
There are plenty of people in my life do not misunderstand. I am a part time freelance makeup artist, and attending cosmetology school part time so there are people all around me. What Im missing is that one person we all need in our lives that just gets us. That person that is loyal, nonjudgemental, and who genuinely likes you even when you wish they would not. They reeeeeally get you. Even sometimes when you do not get yourself. Yeah I do not have that. Im only half whining about it. I suppose there are worse things I could be lacking in life but boy do I miss having that. I guess writing this blog is an easy way to communicate to that one person even though they are not in my life, and hey...if that person ever shows up. Well I will have everything documented for them right here in My Lonely Life.
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